So, I have a crush..
..on a social media influencer. What happens now?
Yeah, you know, the one with hundreds of thousands of followers. The kind with the blue check mark sitting right next to his name. He was “verified.” The real deal, out there influencing and whatnot. Dang right? And indeed he was.
It didn’t start on Instagram actually. It started at a bar, where all good things do right? False yall! The first thing I remember was his bright smile gleaming all the way up there looking down at me. Mhm, you guessed it, he was tall too. Dreamy dreamy dreamy.
The night I met him I noticed almost immediately one thing in particular. My brain said to me, “Okay this dude is familiar for some reason?” I had seen that smile, in fact only hours before, on my explore page. The things mindless instagramming does yall, this is so 2018. Trust me I know. But that day my photographic memory synced it up almost immediately, as that face was hard to forget.
Our conversation was brief that night, he was the bartender, and it was really busy. Our connection was vague, and I tipped him and and I went about my business. After all I didn’t know anyone and needed to meet new people. This was a big setting, the small town girl in me felt very panicked.
It’s actually borderline hysterical to think about now looking back almost a year and a half ago when I first made my “big adult move”;
Dallas, my oyster, my playground, my new homebase
I still remember sitting on the curb at 2:15 AM that night, way too sober, trying to download the Uber app onto my phone. I watched as drunk “couples”, who weren’t really couples headed to bed.
Finally Frank, my first Uber driver ever, bless him, consoled me as I whimpered the entire way home about how overwhelming this city was. Tears bubbled out of my eyes as I avoided eye contact and watched the city lights out of the passenger window. Maybe it was the size of the city, all those people, maybe it was all those followers, all those comments, all those lights, all that money being thrown around, all those bars … all of it.
All that competition.
There was no way I felt even close to ready. Before you ask, he was yes, an instagram model. He was even signed with like an agency. He really is an awesome dude. And yes, I did like it. I liked all of it (literally)
The fame, the charm, the personality. The idea of having validation from him. Clearly the crush continued from that night, first it was simple (honestly pretty boring) conversations where he rarely communicated back, and I tried way too hard. I grew frustrated almost instantly.
In fact, a few weeks after I originally met him a year and a half ago I blocked him on Instagram. I got annoyed with his over-casual DM's every four days. I knew it was what I needed to do, although not the funnest thing to admit. We eventually reconnected again, in person, at a bar... I did unblock him eventually.
Let's go back to the basics for a second (aka google), and re-read the definition of "influencer"; a person or group that has the ability to influence the behaviour or opinions of others... So yes, there’s power in that! The question really is, what is it being used for? It is solely for profit or sales, or it there more to it. It is for fame and exposure, or is there something bigger involved.
Now first and foremost let me get this straight, social media is not all bad! But I for one can tell you from personal experience, even just with the simple example of this little “crush”, social media can also be a place where you can find yourself lost, isolated almost, and really ultimately feeling very alone..
I challenge you to ask yourself, and you have to be honest even if it’s embarassing. Heck some of you may totally have this all sorted, not my business but I'm just saying,
“When likes, followers, and shoutouts fail you, what is your backbone going to be?” If that’s what you are putting your life stalk into, there’s some real danger in not having a solid “real life” friendships, quality family time, and foundational faith.
This was a verse I found extremely comforting to me during this process of growth. I am someone who loves to understand the “why and how” behind ideas and commitments. That’s just how God designed my brain, and this verse always takes me to a place of humility where I find myself sitting at Jesus’ feet in awe of His might,
“Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind, or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in it’s mother’s womb. So you cannot understand the activity of God who does all things in due time.”
If I could go back and slap myself silly, I would consider it, I really would.
But it’s too late for that, so instead I am choosing to be honest with myself, and to learn and grow from it. Plus I thought it might be funny to share this humiliating story and use humor and common sense to realize that y'all, it’s all going to be totally and completely a-okay.
So here comes the tough love paragraph;
If you feel you’re being ignored, sadly you probably are. If you feel like you are in line for attention, you probably are. Walk your cute butt straight out of there. And don’t you think for a split second you are alone my friend.
Embarrassment is only real if you let it be. Just remember;
“Men driven by the fear of God don’t make women they are actually pursuing wait and beg; but fearless boys might. And you have to determine the difference.” -me (lol)
So learn from me, if you have ever made a mistake similar to this. If you've ever held on too hard to the vague interested he's clearly given you. Maybe it’s an ex boyfriend’s profile you can’t stop stalking, a canceled Bumble date you actually got hurt by, a Facebook message you took too serious, whatever it was. Don’t make yourself idle in motivation simply because you are in hopes of “that someone” finding the time of day for you. There's about a million other people out! Don't put God in a box claim He will never give you the desires of your heart? Heck you could meet your dude tomorrow? Regardless though is the "seemingly perfect" relationship really even what life is about?..
Have you forgotten who YOU follow?
You are so much more than a participation ribbon, you’re the trophy. You are prized and cherished babe. You deserve to feel earned and respected. You and I both deserve so much more than temporary attention.
I highly recommend checking out one of my favorite books "I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies…: How To Find Love & Sh*T Like That". Betches puts it nice and pretty, but also like black and white simple!
And yes, it's a New York Times Bestseller. (Because it's THAT awesome)
Honestly, I read half the book about a eight months ago, and it was the part about discovering yourself and your own self worth that I adored. Yall, I almost peed myself I laughed so hard. But during that time, I realized I wasn't interested in an actual relationship. When it came to the part in the book that spoke about actually being in a relationship, I shut the book and let it collect dust... Which is fine, because I was busy learning about my inner "betch" as they would say. However, I just now picked the book back up because I can finally truthfully say I'm interested in those chapters.
I guess I should have titled this, "I HAD a crush..", but what's the big deal behind titles and captions anyways, ya know?
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
-Kori with a K